CHILDHOOD TRAUMAS / GIVING UP THE GHOST

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.” 

― Kahlil Gibran

I was 35 years old before I realized that my dad was an alcoholic.  

How does that happen?  

That’s a damn good question.      

I’ve resented him my entire life for the way he behaved.

The words he spewed at me in anger rattled around my head constantly.

I always knew he was off balance & never questioned why.

My mom said she didn’t want to give me another reason to hate him.

So imagine my surprise when my therapist uncovered it a few months ago.

I had always known my grandfather was an alcoholic & watched my brother struggle.

It never crossed my mind that my dad could have been dealing with addiction.

Suddenly the words he wielded at me all through my childhood lost their power. 

All of those times he told me no one would ever love me & that I’d never amount to anything.

They were the hand me down insults of a man who was deeply hurting.

He was just doing the best he knew how & passing on what he learned.

Being aware of his alcoholism doesn’t change the past but it does give me peace.

Now I am able to understand the situation & am no longer defined by those words.   

I can clearly see that I am a strong, competent woman who is worthy of love.

What I’ve come to understand is that perception & reality are two very different things.