WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

“Who I am is dependent on who decides to love me.”

“What I do everyday varies depending on what a man wants from me.”

“Where I live is to be determined by the man who chooses me.”

“When he loves me, I’ll know I’m worthy and can finally start living.”

“Why would I ever do anything that’s just for me?”

“How I see myself is influenced by the way he sees me.”

Friends. All of that is bullshit. Complete & total bullshit.

All of those are limiting beliefs I’ve carried around for way too long.

Some of them I didn’t even know I struggled with until last week.

Now that I’ve seen them I can’t unsee them.

So it’s time to let go of all of that.

Recently I met a very annoying man.

He told me to stop trying to earn love from people.

He asked that I be more selfish & let people take care of themselves.

He said something like “Stop trying to earn your way into guy’s hearts. You’re enough on your own. Stop trying so damn hard. It makes you come off as clingy. You don’t need them. You don’t need me. You’re okay on your own. Own that. Be confident. Give yourself a chance to let someone do something nice for you. You’re over here waiting for a man to tell you what to do with your life. That’s bullshit and you know it. You know what you want. Go do it. Stop waiting for a man.”

I talked to my therapist about it all a few days later. She helped me unravel the whole thing.

Basically I’ve been seeing myself as damaged since I was 12 years old.

That’s the year I got hit by a car & started seeing myself as less than the general population.

There was a rumor going around the school that year that my heart exploded and I died for a few minutes.

Truth is my heart did stop. They didn’t think I would make it. But I did. They said I’d never walk again. But I did.

I missed a year of school, lost the few friends I had & spent a long time in a wheelchair.

All of this time, I’ve viewed anyone hanging out with me as them doing me a favor.

I’ve seen myself as a god forsaken charity case for years.

Anytime a man has ever paid attention to me, I’ve showered them with gifts because I felt like they were doing me some kind of great favor. Because in my mind there was no way they’d ever want to hang out with just me.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

That was a painful realization in the light.

Until my therapist asked me what I was doing in the street in the first place.

I told her my younger brother had started crossing the street before me.

A car was approaching rapidly and I ran into the street to push him out of the way.

He fell into the ditch & I was hit head on by a car going 30 miles over the speed limit.

He was 8 years old at the time & still really small. I was 11 and devoted to taking care of him.

My therapist pointed out that I’ve been seeing it incorrectly for years.

I’m not damaged goods sitting around waiting for someone to take pity on me.

I’m a hero who saved my brother’s life.

Turns out I don’t actually need some man to come in and rescue me.

I am the hero of my own story.

I don’t need some man to come in and tell me how to live my life.

I have been making heroic choices my whole damn life

All I needed was a little faith in myself.

What are you waiting for?